Nonetheless the Fear-Mongering

It is time. Already ?

Okaay, start the speaking now !

Geez, only a blink of eye and boosh, here we are, to the end of the sem. So many good things happen not to exclude the bad things too. Yes both are equally taking its place this sem and indeed I felt grateful for each lesson that life taught from every chapter of my life.

I can say I went through alot this sem and there are few unfortunate events that happened due to accordance of nature and so on that had make me realize and perhaps Insha Allah maybe with God will had make me even wiser and mature. I did alot of thinking this time around and it had affect most of my beings and demenour. And I really hope it is a positive thing because at this age, I seek for no more identity searching but to grow with the flow and live my life to the fullest according to my life's principle.

My partner tend to indicate me as the one who always think and plan for the future. Not that he find it annoying but he did notice that I have had put so much effort on it, the future part that sometimes I forget how to live my life for the moment. I just couldn't stop plotting things for future because ironically past had taught me alot. I've gone through so much phase that I would rather say it as undesribable. Circumstances that had tested most of my innerself and without even notice it, I'd failed. And so, after such moment of hardship pasting patches in relationship of my life with my loved one : families mostly I decided to not to let such stupidity and idiocy lingers me. I initiate a fullstop.

And am trying my best all this while to keep it to self. And to not to let anyone to come to my way destructing myself so I'll be who I was once again. I just had enough of it, of world, of life.

Atuk passing had gave a huge impact on me. Ever since he'd gone, I kept thinking of him, well practically not only him but also my other family members who had departed to meet Him. It strikes me even stronger day by day. That at times, I cried badly because I miss them, that at time I stop myself from doing unethical thing because I want to stay true to them. That at times too my hand trembles, my lips shivers because I know it is a constant reminder. Deep inside I just miss them and I want to be in my best when the day come for me to meet them. There. 

That at time I felt they are here, just a bit farther from where I am now. 

Since the night I went for the Tahajud Cinta, I felt different. I felt new, and I like the feelings and am trying my best too to make it stay. Because the feeling is so sweet, sweet like the ripest apple you plucked from a tree. Feelings that no one can ever challenge. That at times, a mushy me cried for I knew very little of him and I would like to know more. And so I had set few things to do and to continue filling my ample time later.

And when it comes to my parents, I am just grateful I have them, I have their teachings to upbring myself day by day. That I have their word of wisdom. I am just so happy that I guess at last, I manage to be the righteous sentiment of a daughter to them. That at last I put a huge amount of them in my everyday life. That I don't go to them only when I'm sad and when I am in need because I know they are humans too and they have feelings to feel the merry I am in. And for the fact that one day I am a mother to be and of course I want to be the major thing to my children not only by words and papers but by heart. 

Academically I am so disgusted with myself. I had live a life of no worries all this while for this sem. I had been so playful without alarming myself about my status, my needs of worries. It is an early statement though but I guess it is right to say it. That I am now filled with resentment and regret for who I was past few months ago. It is hard to adopt yourself for a change. Because though it seems you have that strong will, beneath you, within you that you just couldn't see is the strong will of anxiety. Feeling that wants you to fail. And without further efforts and self realization, you are drowning to it and poof, here you are, sitting alone full with self failure.

I get to learn and make friends with new people. I get the chance to know others better, I get the chance to adapt myself to a different environment and see how life according to them. Some new people I get to work with, and it is wonderful. Ainaa, Nurul, Madihah, Fatin Nazurah, it is a wonder to get the chance to be with all of you.

In terms of et cetera, I am well contented. 

For having the best FabFive ever. That we manage to win ourselves a Ringgit Malaysia Seventy and still don't have the right conclusion on how will we spent it. And for celebrating the birthdays of dearly FabFive members. For the endless crapping session with them. And for some session that is subtle to be mention.

Not to forget the one who completes me, completes us, the five of us. My roommate, Suhaili. Housemate. Whom though had been hurt unscruplously by me, bad me. Who had been patience by all this while and who had stay the same as they are, who had saved me from cockroaches and life difficulties. I Thank them for all the wonderful things in life that they had shared.

Them : Beeha, Diyanah, Sherry, Hani, and My Suhaili.

Thank You for another one great sem we have.

Also as a team in this house, I am happy that the rezeki is wide open to us whenever this crib offers a warm welcome of temporary residency to them who visit us like Aufa and Fatyn. Do come again, I'll bet you this people of mine are happy to have you around.

To TECHIES, for all the hardwork and the cooperation we had.

Thank You lads and lasses !

How can I ever forget the TomYam Geng. Who had filled my days and hours with them with laughters and craps. That we discovered so much common things this time around. Like how Pojan and Faruq are always in the same circle but with God will they are all destined by God to be meet here and to bond the brotherhood even stronger. It is funny how relationship comes to us. Like the TomYam Geng, it was abrupt, out of any plan but yet it had make us all stay together up to this extent. I just love them for being them, the best them. 

Lynn, Pojan, Aidil, Ooi and You, Dearly Faruq, 

Thank You for all the endless love that we shared !

Also for events that I had joined. That had taught me a few sight of the real world. I Thank God for that. Because I know it is something, nonetheless the fear-mongering I've been live in for this sem. I get to meet new people, get to know them, get to observe and get to ponder. The beautiful of life that is hidden under all those patches and failure sometimes are meant to offer you so much.

OutDoor Carnival 09, SFnB. V3 Sports Carnival, Eupho Comm, DL Comm;

Thank You Guys ! :)

As a conclusion, I had fun in my own way this sem. I had live my life to the fullest for certain circumstances. I had been blessed with the great people around me. And I wish for more and more for the upcoming sem ahead.

--

-

Final ends in less than a week.

I had assemble some agenda to make me all occupied this sem break. I just couldn't wait to be home, to be near to the favourite people of my life. I want to do almost everthing this time around back at home.

• I want to spent more time with my family. 
• I want to get the photoshoot on with my sisters and cousins.
• I want to stay up late watching movie with them.
• I want to at least consult them in studies, Yeaah.
• I want to constantly join doing the domestic chores. 
• I want to update my cooking blog. 
• I want to get a job.
  
• I want to save for future.
• But in the same time, I want to spent. Heck.
• I want to visit the dentist.
• I want to visit Them.
• I want to learn more about HQ.
• I want to memorize more. With right laws.
• I want to cope up with my late memorization.
• I want to at least diversified my lafaz.
• I want to read good books. Out of my typical genre.
• I want to hangout more, more, more with my Letoperz.
• I want to call out a trip with Diyanah.
• I want to join event with Diyanah.
• I want to keep in touch with my babes.
• I want to rebuilt myself.
• I want to motivate myself.
• I want to offer them around me even more.

Basically, I want a Win Win situation for everyone. I want to stop being a lousy me. I want to stop saying I appreciate others while I'm not, because it is just so unfair. I want to stop saying I won't fret while I will when I feel bad. I want to stop saying things that it offensive and I am also want to stop from felt offended unintentionally.

In just one vocabulary, 

I want to be a new me. A real stable new me.

And so, I wish All The Best and Good Luck for myself.

And a very Happy Merry Holiday for each and everyone of you !

Also also, Dear Adik Adik Kakak, if you are to read this.

Can You all kindly list the movie yang You all nak ? I have about 30 now.

Thanks babe ! Tak sabar nak retarded dengan kauorang HAA HAA HAA !

Adik Kakak, Tuhan Itu Maha Pengampun dan Maha Pemurah

And so Sepet.

I cried the moment I received Ibu's text. 

I just can't stop smiling thanking God while performing. Congratulations babe.

Please, please be wise. Grow more mature. Alleviate all that stops you.

Choose the right person to be with at the right time.

Just don't stop being yourself that I know you have a great qualities in there.

--

-

Prove it.

Prove to the world your price, your worth.

Because I know little sister, no one can buy you for you are EXPENSIVE.

Ceaselessly Banishing Woes Forthwith

It is like in the great stories.
The ones that really mattered.
Full of failure and trials.

And sometimes you didn't want to know the end.

Because how could the end be happy ?

How could the world go back,

back to the way it was when so much bad had happened ?

--
-

But in the end,
It is only a passing thing, this trial.

Even the failure must pass.

A new day, will come.
Wreath with a herald of hope.

And when the sun shines,
It will shine out the clearer.

--
-

Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something.

Even if you are too small to understand why.

Gradually, I know now.

Folk in those stories,
had lots of chance to turning back.
Only they didn't.

--
-

They kept on going.
Because they were holding on to something.

And there is some good in this world.
And it is worth fighting for.

Self-Edited Inspired 

by the Courtesy of hearken 

that lives between The Two Towers

Ibu, You're My Everyday

I remember that day. That particular night. 

When you've been so generous to a filthy failure.

Its hard to conceal the feelings, that particular awful moment's feelings. It is so hard to find the right word, the right sentence to tell you how I pathetically had make you down. Because I don't want you to be hurt for the things that I just couldn't achieve at that moment. But you caught me right there, crying, badly. It still fresh in mind when you asked me why, and it teared my heart apart when I told you and you hugged me and say, 'It's okay'. Because that is just not you that I know.

I'm speechless.

It hit me hard on the head at that moment. I felt so sorry for you Ibu and Ayah, because I pathetically failed you. Because throughout this life, you both never failed me, but yet, I did. It's hard to keep up with the emotions. Knowing all the sacrifice both of you had make for me. And it is even more sappy, when the next day, after your Subuh jemaah prayer you entered my room with Ayah, sit by me on the bed, wake me up and abruptly hugged me, you both, and tell me that God have His reason, that God notices me, that God want to less my burden of dosa, that God loved me and how He want me to see life in different perception, to have faith and to be strong. I felt defeated by your patience and generousity to a failure. 

--

-

My everyday after that moment fills with the memory playback of the morning you both hugged me. Though I slip one moment without it, later soon enough the day crept back in me telling the suppose things that I need to do for you both especially Ibu. I'm just so glad Ibu. That you always make me think wise, make me think even mature, make me think like a mother, make me think like a sister, make me think like anyone possible in this world and I Thank You for that Ibu. 

It's hard to be a children but it is alot more harder to be a mother and at times, like I mentioned earlier you always make me think as one. Deep inside we are the best of friends. I like it the best when we both chat sharing stories because you always touched my heart with your life experience. You've been such a great person to everyone and you are also the best mother.

I always imagine myself sacrificing my time, my privacy, my needs, my entertainment, my career, my whole life dream and path to a daughter, but I know I can't do much like you did. You have given up all your life for us, to raise us, and it meant a lot to us Ibu. I don't know if you can see this, but each and everyday, I try to better myself for you. Because I want you to be happy to have someone like me as a daughter. I appreciate the trust you gave me all this while and I had tried my very best to stay true to myself because it means I'll stay true to you too.

Ibu, Thank You.

Thank You for always have the faith in me. For always have the trust in me. For always come out with only the best for me. For always be there no matter what. For always take a good care of me. For teaching me how hard can life be. For being the most sporting Ibu ever. For listening to my inane babble. For always shares the tips in relationship. For bringing me up to the world and colored my life beautifully.

I Love You Ibu,

and I know I can't do much to repay all the deeds you've done, but as a guarantee I want you to know that each and everyday I'll better myself for you to be proud of, for you to be ease of later for you to hold on, for you to have no worries, for you to trust, for you to have faith in.

Thank You for the rest of your life that You had sacrifice for me, for us Ibu.

Kakak Sayang Ibu.

Anak anak Ibu semua sayang Ibu.

Dan Ibu, Ibu sentiasa ada kami walau apa pun yang terjadi, okay Ibu !

Selamat Hari Ibu, Ibu.

Endless Thank You :')

Because I Need My Practice And So I Write This

Mind the present tense, I wrote it before I'm typing this. And also the singular there, because I count thousand lines in a post as one. And so, I write again ignoring my statement earlier that blogging is not my daily routine anymore. I need the practice, the flows, the smooth runs of ideas so I decide to let it loose and write again.

I'd drowned deep into a huge excitement when I mentioned I missed my time IRC-ing, and it end up I didn't went to IRC, instead snoring comfortly curling warm on my bed. And as soon as I woke up, I felt bad that I had turned Lynn down and also that I had lost big time to the rezeki that is wide open only in the morning, my Ibu constant reminder. 

And now, I can't sleep. Though I had lay myself carefree on the bed for almost one hour. Perhaps this is all the consequence that I reap from drinking that White Coffee Cipah bought me. Geez, White Coffee drives me nuts. I can stay two days without any sleep and be hyperactive until it became an issue of embarassment. You know the gush of adrenaline that runs in veins and how can it makes one homo sapient gone all retarded and happy, endlessly. Caffeine kills for long terms view. 

And yeah, I've been peeing repeatedly like I'm having two big urine tanks of unlimited boundaries gallons. Sorry if the phrase sounds sincere, I just can't find the right biological terms to say when it comes to this current phenomenon that I adhere. It is quite disturbing though, me, with the books and notes, sitting still and out of sudden the alarm of peeing moment comes. But still, I Thank God for that. That at least I did not suffer from any disease of having a hard time peeing, you know, Huu. Consequence of a non stop mineral drinking.

When even small things like this come across onto my life, I ponder. There are few things in life that we did unethically, that God gave us the chance and let us escape but we just don't see them, it. Well, I kept on saying to myself that particular peribahasa in Malay how sepandai pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga. When I think of things as such, I feel paralyzed by fear. I owned so much mistakes, sins, unethical behaviour towards Him and others. God Gracious, He knew all but He still gave us the chance to take time and realize. And so at times, for the sins, we do repent.

So does studies. Things are so slow paced now. I bet, even the snails can win me better in the speeding of my reading. And when things as such happen, again, I remind myself how I don't want to be that dumbfounded in the exam hall for I have piles of question, good question to answer and heck, I don't have any idea, none, in my head. That is so pathetic. So I keep on telling myself that, exams is the time where all ideas are being spilled. Well, of course ideas that due to accordance. And so, before those regrets and resentment crept into me, I let myself motivated to keep on the reading though it might be slow. Point here is, when we realize how slow are we, we can at least increase the speed. TeeHee. So, that is my plan for this remaining five days before the Finals.

Disturbing things happen in life, and it may come in varies way, technology are one of it. We might say that maybe we just don't have the luck in handling technology, but heck, I guess the Information System people here in this technology world are getting free happy pay day. My Yahoo Messenger suck big time now. I guess I lost some contact there and also have been unintentionally buzzed by them who has no intention of buzzing. I don't mind much, really. Just that during my chronic moment trying hard to get POPO the first place in hurdles race, I've been buzzed anonymously and there goes the next episode of POPO tripped the fence and run on and be on the third place. Nothing much really. But can you see how it affects life ? Ahaa. And there are also few problems that occured due to that. Am sorry for any inconvinience.

Speaking of POPO, in reality, I guess I've been unfair already to the babies. I know it might sounds insane because I am a nineteen year old soon to be twenty and still put a big deal of account to soft toys. It is because they matters to me. I've been pampering Diggie Diggue alot more than POPO. And I think it is so biased and unfair. For sometimes in the morning, I find POPO lying hurtfully on the ground while Diggie Diggue are safe in my arms, being hugged. It is hard to be a mother to two. Eventhough it might be a lousy practice but it does make me think the best way to raise two kids at a time.

I think I'm getting better in this. Yes, this practice. I need the flow, you see. And so, what more can I babble about apart from all that mentioned above. Oh ya, this semestar I can see and seriously I can tell that I am the most updated person in terms of series in this house. I watched Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives and 90210 accordingly. I even have the list of episodes, the latest that I need to update. Such a freak. And also I'd watched a lot of good movies too this time around. And I love each of it most of the time. It is such a big deal to me on how great movie can moved your life, indeed there did. Like Seven Pounds, Marley and Me, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, Down To You, and alot more. Not to forget some action movies that had been my best friend burning the so called midnight oil. And some that make me laughed hard, big time. 

Again, akin as yesterday, I'm typing this in just a few minutes to dawn. And so maybe it is better for me to stay and continue with my first solah of the day. And oh speaking of that, it always come to me how we perform it everyday but we reap the very least lesson in each lafaz that we did. It is so dissapointing really. I always wanted to understand it well. I always think that we didn't turn and be one as we prayed because we don't have the passion and a strong will to be one. I guess, that phrase is true. Because for each and everything that we do, we need to have a very strong will and a very firm motivation to go for it. So does to be applied in studies. And when such mind got into me, I always tell myself that maut is at anytime. And maybe I don't have time for that moment to arrive so I need to be one now. Thats one good thing when we kept thinking in such way, because ironically we will simply want good endings in life. Like letting go things, grudge and vangeance. Because we know that it can be anywhere at anytime to anyone so we need to always come clean and keep clean too to everyone, without any exceptional.

I'd babbled so much today and I still have few lot more to babble about. Myself can be so conceited, frank, unbelievable, unpredicatble, angel, devil at time that no one can ever predict. Not even myself. People can talk as much as they want if one being had changed. Let we, them, experienced life. And just try to stop being cynical when human shift to another episodes of life, as they did it in their own way. Because contextually, to be a self, it is alot more harder to stay true, not being a hypocrite and stay as who you are. Just like the science terminology that we have. Independent variable, our demeanour. Dependent variable, life. Controlled variable, us. And these stuff really make sense when people says science are related to life, hurm.

But as for a conclusion, we are all human, beings. We are design by God to make mistake. And to realize. And to change for better. That is why God sent Adam to live a life on earth. Hold on tight to that faith. And so, when people make mistake, we can talk, we can fret, but let us give them the chance and the space. I might be one of it few years ago, few days ago or perhaps later in the future. And so I would like to get the chance to be one, to change and to experienced. I would like to get and to give it to everyone because for God sake I am no perfect, imperfect, flaw-full human. For I know when we did that, we felt alot more better in life, to self, to others most importantly to God. And this statement proved the quote that life is good is an absolute right and genius, because good in life's dictionary is not only the happiness we earned but also the heartaches, lesson and the chance to move on that we gained.

Oh how I hope Finals question are something like this, but unfortunately its not. 

And so, Happy Wesak Day everyone. Good Luck and All The Best.

I Think Day By Day I Am Losing My Sense of Writing

I'm not being denial here, it is a true facts and I felt sorry for myself for that. Sigh. It just that something, it flows to frank you know, the words, the emotions, the truth, the belief. And it could be hurtful too. As much as I am when I went through others word, though perhaps it is not intended to me. But heck. See, warn you before, right ? And if it does intended to me, I'm glad it is written for at least I am all alarmed. Hari esok mesti lebih elok dari hari ini right !

So, initially I think Yahoo homepage will be my daily stop to see the exact subject for me to babble on. For at least I have something to write instead jotting down deceiving things. I always adore the way Lily conveys her daily stuff in life, via assignment phases, I can see that she is a well-organized person. The way Pia see things in life, and the way she wrote it down. She make me think hard. Really hard, which means it is good. And yeah, the way Yan blogged about exams countdowns, it is such a good idea and maybe I'll go for that too. I just adore everyones writing and that explains my long list of following blog. Couldn't help it. Hee.

*Okay, I'm getting better with the flow*

Oh, don't mind that under the asterix. I was just concsious about my flow in writing. As I mentioned before, I'm losing my senses in conveying and of course it is so damn worrying ! Did I wrote it right ? Hope so. Okay we move on, what was the thing I babbled about ? Oh yeah, that subject and theme thingy, I guess so that I need to be one, like them. Make use of this virtual space I have, because for god sake, some things are just so subtle that when I am alone I chant Nauzubillah. I tried my best to play safe here and to keep everyone to my very best.

Next, before I go on further, I would like to initiate a beautiful happy prank of birthday to this babe of mine. Happy Birthday Cipah. I enjoyed so much kidnaping you, and I guess I did my job well in baking you out too. It was so much fun, and stress free TeeHee. Happy crowd you have there babe, so SuperSyiok. Birthday present later can ? Together with the other four, Hee ;pp

I always felt loved and happy ignoring those sappy things that happened when I received a phone calls or even a text message from thoughtful friends saying Hi or I Miss You. I admit it that maybe I don't have that much time, or maybe not time, the effort to call them, well, I used to. But truth to be told and seriously I felt deeply appreciated. I called Pia the other day and I YM-ed her yesterday, I felt so good until regrets took that feelings over for the facts that she will be off somewhere on August and also my other babes. I'll be missing them. Glad I'll have Kyrin around still with me in Malaysia. I miss the time I texted everyone and call them to say Hi. And you know what, I am so going to do it after the finals. And when it comes to list of friends it is endless. You are one. You are all one. I'll do the same to all, Insha Allah.

 

Next is one thing that I always wanted to tell everyone but I just couldn't afford the words to jot down. I just disgust myself when I'm being so unfair. I know it is human nature to be one but I guess we need to try our best, must we ? I'm highlighting the feelings part when we are happy. We forget almost everything and frankly speaking, I just couldn't tolerate with myself with that beings. Me, being selfish when I'm happy. That sometimes I forget my roots. I guess it is not fair for all the deeds that we've done. So in a way I prefer being moderate the best, or perhaps a bit sappy. It makes me think. Ponder, harder. And embrace all the good things in life and the bad things that had happened. My thoughts might be wrong I know, but for the least when I am in such stage, I am near to my God. Thats the best of all.

I don't wish to talk much now. I guess, I'm getting there already. My sense of writing. And I just don't understand why this laptop does not correct my spelling mistakes anymore, Darn. And oh, You'll be hearing from me soon enough. Random babbles about common stuff maybe. From of all my interest topic to write, initiating endless gratification to people is the one I love the best.

Off to get my wudu for Subuh. And some tepuk for the babies. 

So have fun studying everyone, Good Luck and Have a Pleasant Day ahead.

Read This Between The Line Silly Lilly

Blogging; it is not my daily rountine. 

Not anymore. NADA.

Pain; I don't give you the damn you want. 

Screw (Kreek! Sakit Pinggang).

Current; I shall terminate the subtle addiction . . . 

Yes with God Will.

XX; are just a domestic matters and also unimportant. 

Not to me. Getting rid of so called it.

Price; is something I have to pay. 

Wisely, accordingly.

Experience; has never been displayed on a screen before.

I was once there, just that pathetically no one knows.  

Death (Maut); a constant reminder.

To be count of with deeds and sins.

Love; is something that you can't put a masked on of.

Or even deliberately called people with love names.

Patience; I'm dealing hard everyday with it.

For the consequences of weary and tiredness.

Relationship; is not a battle field.

Bare that in mind . . .

Human; frequently vast varies from all type.

I had most of them listed in my life. 

Regrets; is not something afew.

But the lessons are piles more than the fews.

Studies; I need to sacrifice almost everything for it.

Because study is, fun (heck heck).

Family; is so damn damn important.

They might be deceiving but ironically they teach you the hard way.

Study Week Jan 09; is something different.

And I am going to make the best of it Insha Allah.

Last post; beginnings of an ends.

Of something vital, crucial and intellectual.

4.30 pm; bending fear and pain,

Now I shall go to the opportunity and task that i gain.