Atuk Haji Ramlan

1 Muharram 1430 H

the point where Muslims shift for a better tomorrow, next tomorrow and another tomorrow. but also the point that had come for someone to meets no tomorrow, not anymore in this world. for he finally meet the inevitable stop. and the very point for someone like me to realize how life cycles, and meet my gaze once before.

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I'd never given much thought to how would I react when he's not around anymore, gone. for i might be the outnumbered grand daughter. living by the childhood memory only with my mami, ibu's foster parent. to be born with mami's husband leaving me bare to continue his journey. to live by my nenek pj of ayah babysitting me, also not to know nenek pj husband, my another grand father, for he had leave before ayah even reached his twenty. i never get the chance. never get the chance to have a grand father. who baby me when i was a kid. who have no one to love as a grand daughter but only me. i never did.

not until this once upon a time when i did, once. though not to be his immediate grand daughter, close to him, the one he asked for help and company. not at all, not until i enter Jasin. which by fate had make me more near, as much as important to him. calling me every now and then to make me by him during weekends, that at times i need to turn down his invitation due to my strict prohibition of highschool rules. which now i regretted it to the most, to let my chance to be near him passed away with the time, his time, aging and leaving.

i felt warm in his cold, there. at the very end of my lips. the sacrifice he had gone through to make us live well in this world. the time he had consume to be the righteous father and grand father to each and everyone of us. and it is hard, indeed, to live by the fact that he is no longer here for me to asked ibu if my atok is doing alright, to be worry.

and that thought makes me cry.
during my very last kiss on his forehead before the eternity goodbye.

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but that is love. for what i assume. and believe. thought we don't spend much time together to develop the bond as grand father and grand daughter, it is the thoughts that counts after all. and I'm glad for as long as i lived near to him, i grasped all wisdom and wits that he shared.

Atuk was a man of highly scholar and determinant. living his life being a very hardworking man throughout his ninety six years of lifetime. going through obstacle and the topsy turvy in life alone on an unfamiliar land. then creating a happy loving family with an undivided love to give to one another members of the family.

he is my only grand father. the only grand father that ever exist to me. not only by title in this world. i never get the opportunity to have the love of my other two grand father. and I'm happy. happy to experienced the moment having a grand father, physically, emotionally. though only was lived by for the least and not much. atuk had make my life complete as a human being to be filled with all angles kind of love.

I'm glad. for having his family as my family. and so grateful that he had given me a chance to live by a loving, happy, loud uncles, aunts and cousins. that in my everyday their thoughts had make me live and lead my life to the fullest, sharing the title as a family, experiencing ups and downs together. that at times, i am surrounded by more than one ibu, also more than one ayah. Hj Ramlan family is a family that worth a lifetime to be spend with. with the happy chatters, the gripping drama and yes, endless love.

even you are not around atok, we will always cherish every teaching, wisdom, thoughts and wits that you had taught us. always have and always will stay with one another forever as a family. uphold your tradition and norms. gather and be there for elderly sisters and brothers. stay cheerful and loving. and most of all, pray for your peace near to Him.

am going to miss your laugh, when funny things happened around. your fierce expression when we are being ridiculously naughty. your perpetual meaningful speech. your wisdom in words and wits. your love that had warm us all up to this extent.

Thank You Atuk for creating such a wonderful legacy behind you.
Al Fatihah.

it will bloom, eventually.

yes, i am not a constant writer and conveyor at the moment. thoughts passed by through my mind and fading from sight day by day. in some way its good, for i won't have the possibilities to write insane things here. keep those inside and let it washed away together with the time. oh i'm loving quote by Farha Ghouse, i don't own emotion, but i rent it, thats the best to describe all and to stay motivated once for all.

love always give in me more. for i practiced the term to forgive and forget easily with my loved ones. and it does not only include my other half, but almost everyone that i count in as my lover, family and deserving friends. sleep peacefully with forgiving them for their everyday action that may in some ways have had make me hurt, later woke up in my everyday with a fresh new thoughts on forgetting all that had happen, reminiscing new thoughts and lead a happy day just to be near them.

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love have the will for us to forgive and forget.

and i am grateful that i had never lost count of what i had own and live in, we live in. its been almost two years we better ourselves day by day, getting along and maturing. and i will always cherish this 23rd, till time permits me.


Thank You for this 20th month of anniversary.
its hard to imagine how can we hold on to one another up to this extent. going through all shit things in life together, even at times, we hurt one another. and when everyone around us are parting we still motivate ourselves to stay and cherish the moment. now i am beyond grateful to have someone who put himself as me due to clashes and problem for in the end we finished things maturely.


i am not here to preach about love, for i didn't learn much yet in my life. but i do have some thoughts that love is something that we cannot lie, that we cannot masked of, even though we had tried our best to say no and hate it to the most. love is applied for someone deserving, that maybe there is no need of time for us to consume much, but feelings and thoughts had won it above all.

and i love you all, my family, deserving friends, favorite people of my life.
for i am also truthful sorry, for even at times i deny.

come clean, is all we need.

and apasal dengan kau ?

this post is specially dedicated to my dearly darling sepet; whom lately had turned out being someone who is irrational in thoughts and actions. and specifically for the best reason of your subtle silence that had make us worry for so many days. and not to forget your late midnight cries. i really want to know why, we want to know why. we've been guessing, and listed all the possible matters that could bring you to such mess, but non is exactly right to the situation that you have been suffer. and deep inside, me, all of us, your sisters, brother and ibu felt so useless, for not being able to let you cry on our shoulders, letting out all that lingers you, patting your back and be there just for you.

indeed, i did felt useless that night.

but I'm happy that you are getting better now. our everyday prayer for you to be one. for the fact that we've been worry and gossiping pretty badly to figured it out your problem. and there is too much to be mentioned and to be list out. i wish you told me so for the least i could hear and give you my wise words and advice, after all, i am the big sister here. but for the sake that we respect your decision to keep it yourself, we let you be, guessing and wondering in your own thoughts, thats the best.

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I've told you before that shit things happen in life. and we need to put our best appearance for others to not to see the fatality and problem that we suffer. i appreciate your thought to keep it silence but that is not wise when you keep on be a cry baby almost all night. to share with someone is motivating and the most positive way to channel your emotion. i hope you could see how we had tried our best to be with you in all of your event and time. we supported you in everything, not almost everything but everything. because we want the best for you. and we did cried the day you cried, for we couldn't stand it to see all that you suffers without telling us any. Muhammad did his best to cheer you up, Reenbon and Iteen come along gather on your bed to asked you why, I tried my best hold you in my arms so that you could ease and tell us why, but in the end, you answer us nothing. its okay sepet if you let us in your nothingness, but it is not okay when you are physically, emotionally not okay, and we can see that, the worst part of all.

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you are now stepping ahead in next chapter of your life. it is the time for you to rely on only yourself not others, and put family above all doings. because in each and everyone of the people that you own in your life, the truthful and righteous is your family; ibu, ayah, and us, your sisters and brother.

try to break that comfort zone you own. try to be yourself in your everyday. not only yourself currently, but yourself maturing day by day. life is not that hard when you pull yourself together and say; you are going to do things for yourself, only. because at times, other human can hurt us the most, at the time we least expect. and it hurts like bullshit. as if some had stabbed you and try to stabbed you and gonyoh tahap teruk.

you need to be motivated sepet. in order to grow up and see the world as through as it is. since back then you didn't do your best in motivating yourself. for you didn't yet know someone inside you named as exactly as yours because you are too busy having others around you. get to know yourself and love yourself first is the best, then time will let you find love in others.

don't hurt your ameera inside sepet. she deserve to live better. bare with her, know her, love her, that will be all the answers to your never ending suffers and problem. and for whatever it is, you will always have us, being your confidante behind you in your every day.

sister; Have Faith.

of determination and rites of passage

when children acted strangely and rebelliously contradict to the teaching parents had provided to them, it will meticulously grew somewhat worries in them, on why do must the children acted in such so. once i am the nuisance rebellious child to my generous-to-a-fault mother, ibu. i am so close to be a spoil brat not to know the hardship she had gone through in life just to raise me and even to only live on night pushing hard to give a birth to a new life. i went wrong for so many years, astray, lost in my own thought and perception.

yesterday the issue of determination and the right reasons of rites of passage had clearly been brief by me, to a hare-brained someone replacing the post of a mother. i think i am a half and a quarter of my way there. i cried. cringed pretty badly for a rebellious situation where now i am not the one who seeks for attention, but the one who trying so hard to give one. i myself are quite surprise that i have such strength and determination to voice out emotionally, despite my age, and my position. in a way i think, i am maturing and improving innerly.

ibu tend to suggest that to be rebellious in such age is a norm. something that a teenager need to live with, and a mother need to cope with too. indeed, on that particular moment i felt sorry, regret for all the wrong deeds, the immature action, my rebellious thought that i ever had towards her. as a mother raising a growing up children, ibu had gone through so much, more than books could describe to me. ibu did it the best.

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yesterday was her 44th birthday. ibu is aging, but apparently she's looking younger day by day. some vainness that she have been proud of all this years. i don't despise it either, because my ibu is not only an ibu, but a truthful friend and a loud happy companion. a place where we can share about almost everything ranking from nail polisher to boyfriend. ibu is so much cool to be name anything. no exact word can adequately describe ibu the best.

ibu never failed us in anything. name it by dishes or dresses, she always wants the best for us, though at times, it means nothing for her. it is a sacrifice. a subtle sacrifice. i myself have doubt if i can ever be a mother like ibu. too generous to a fault, too cool for a joke and prank, too open for any story. ibu is our everything.

yesterday i see it as clear as a crystal. the point hit me pretty hard onto the head on how much had ibu did for our good life. something that i couldn't repay and afford. and i stand before her to tell my sisters ibu had forgo so much for us. and since that, we became more aware, and tied the bond even closer.

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ibu always told me to put myself as a mother whenever i need to overcome certain issue. i'm guessing i am partially practicing her advice. and it is not easy to hold on to a title as a mother. in some way, now, i know exactly how ibu feels when children make things harder for her.

Ibu,
we are so sorry for all the trouble we ever caused you.
Thank You for trying hard giving a birth to a life.
Thank You for never be impatient in dealing with us.
Thank You for being such a cool mom and happy friend.

Happy 44th Birthday Ibu.
May more prosperous year to come for you.
ameen.

Kak Deera, Kak Meera, Kak Azreen, Kak Iteen and Muhammad;
love you ibu.

i want to be safe, home back to your arms again

just some chant that passed by in my mind quite frequent this past few days. ironically embarking the tug of war, silence moment, hardship in life and all sorts that you want it to be call as. i am hundred percent sure the minute before it happened my mind already had warned me a war is about to begin for some subtle reason. i let it be for i guess and strongly belief fighting could spice up the moment and bring us back happily in track. it's been more than twenty four hours, and i do give a damn, not i don't give a damn, i won't give in, not even give up because i know what i want. that is life. it can be hard, it can be nice. it can be good, it can be bad. it can be real, also can be pretty fantasy.

yah, my current fantasy, personal brand of phantasmagoria. i'd watched Twilight for the third time already, and i'm guessing there will be more after this. i think i am only a quarter to my way there memorizing the script. this third time screen gazing, i noticed Meyer appearance in the movie, down at the diner with the script : "here you go, your vegetables burger". try and watch again if you don't even know her existence in the movie. i'm done reading New Moon, and are now impatiently waiting for the next two series to be in stock. and this is my current fantasy. part of it.

no new books in mind right now apart from Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. just come across the Kinsella's shopaholic series. anyone to volunteer in convincing me the book is good ? like Ally did in recommending me reading Twilight. really need one though, because i'm shifting to a variety reading.

and oh yeah, enjoy your holiday people. go and watch Twilight as much as you can. make Meyer rich so she can come out with another good book and series.

enjoy your holiday people. while you can (:




*credit goes to Dr Naufal, for the idea uploading the baseball scene*

Adeera is NineTEEN.

yeah big one and nine, not two and zero, well, not now lah, a year later la, hehehe. Thank to the Mighty, The Gracious for all the rezeki of having myself perfectly breath, happy and jubilantly live life up to this years, Alhamdulillah, may more to come, ameen.

technically birthday is something everyone have their won way in celebrating it and cherish it, same goes to me. some tend to feel happy and thank, some tend to feel inferior for the aging and responsibilities ahead, but the most importantly of birthday to me is the history during my very first time on earth as a baby. i am called as my grandfather onwards life. Abah passed away 2nd December, just a day before Ibu got me delivered. and there goes my life starting from the mourn of someone important that they had lost, and i had came and perhaps ease the moment and cherish all the important people to Abah with my existence.

Thank You too all for being such a darling in making sure i am well and happy during my birthday. This time around of birthday i tend to thank everyone. For the roles you owned in my life, for the bits here and there that you had colored beautifully, for never failed me, for being such a good friend and mate in my times of happy and need, for lifting up the downs, and for being the best in just a plainly you.

I Thank You.

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text from family, loved ones, my five favorite fabulous babes, my letoperz, my cool loud tomyam geng, friends, mates. Also people who does in Social Networking, fs, ms, fb.
Thank You !

I am so touched (':

Ayah, for wishing me an 18th birthday. still one year late, ayah still baby me and couldn't afford to live the fact i am getting older, aiseyman.

too many things to convey regarding my 3rd December, couldn't find exact themes to write on, i just love all the wishes, the phone calls that everyone showered me, Thank You, and yes, gifts too, Thank You again all (:

I've been out celebrating my days here and there for a week dah now, and it is much enjoyable and fun. Thank You for making my day. I enjoyed every millisecond of it. I am so happy too to have this Edward Cullen of mine bought me the Second Twilight Sagas; New Moon. Guess I need to stop to say yes to apparel and start my reading immediately, will be more sipping coffee and chunking words after this.

again, Thank You to all !

Twilight Sagas

at last i manage to write something after quite a some time. it is not that i am so not in the mood for blogging whatsoever but i had been in quite a different life i guess, in my own. i have been wandering of what to do the next two months of holidays. usually i occupied myself with good books, but apparently on my early days of holiday i just couldn't find any. been living with hanging out with my so-long-tak-jumpa babes and yeah the once in a week dating routine. not to forget to enjoy the sale here and there. i had fun. despite the dream i had every night about my Structured Programming, it sounded rather stupid, i did dreamt about Recursive, Binary Search and stuff, it is horrifying and i then will find myself petrified in the morning.

i don't plan much to have such a dream lagi after all i had been through as a student, despite the lame MOB coursework that was just recently out, so i grab this chance to fold it tide and find my new way to a new world.

it took me days to find a perfect genre and book to read and indulge this time. during my visit to MPH the other day i was thinking of having a serious book regarding economy, the world, Obama, perhaps. and this one book had caught my attention. it was "World Without Poverty" by Muhammad Yunus, serious enough by the title to make my brain runs fast to think and be more hurm, sophisticated about life in community not as one.

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not until this good friend of mine suggested Twilight. i'd heard about it quite a lot from others, even beeha and fatin nazurah are one of twilight biggest fan. and i felt sorry that i am so stubborn enough to not to say yes to the invitation to read such a book. the brief broad definition of the book to me was only; it is about a vampire. which i find it not so interesting, and so fictional.

Ally make me through it pretty well. quite convincing though that i give out a shot for the movie first. i was hypnotized, mesmerized, speechless and breathless on how such guy like Edward Cullen would exist in this world. the movie hit me quite hard both on mind and heart. one of my personal favorite movie ever this year.

and then i shifted from a serious genre of book to this Twilight Sagas, it is deeply moving and breathtaking. Meyer is one good writer. her writing are so precise that you could picture it clear on your mind. which i love the most in writers, for their convincing convey on how the setting and the movement be. at this moment i only had watched it once, the movie i mean, and i pay alot attention through the screening that i memorize exactly the lines there, and it is a total exactly with the book, which is also good, for the director to copy it clear.

just like all fictional story that now had become a major screening, Twilight movie doesn't coherent well with the story itself. it might be hard for the director so i am okay with it. the point here is the plot are not much differ from the book, which is as a conclusion, good.

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so, i have been living my day with the fictional Edward Cullen on my mind how protective and romantic and loving and all the good things he could be to a girl/woman. which is tartly sounds stupid, lunatic, idiot and insane. that i guess my boyfie would disguise this fictional character as i talk quite much about this non-living vampire over the phone. i at last come to my sanity that Edward Cullen are only Meyer's fib character in her Sagas. of course she can make him as perfect as possible and all equipped with the character that a girl wants, well because apparently she's a girl, a woman and yes she's a writer, and it is in her bound of authority to fabricate such perfect life, i mean man. indeed, she is a good writer for the way she convince us again and make us unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

it is nature that all girls will fall in love with a man who is hot, and yes, handsome, rich, macho, cute and all that sorts to be call out. i find it the same way too just a bit different that on top of all i adore Edward Cullen's way in protecting Bella. it is such an honored to be near someone like him. much in my case, i applied what i prefer in my life. and yes the element of protective come first no matter how and what. the figure, the gesture, the charm is all one being blend well under a good phrase of protective and protecting. take note this phrase guys.

so at the moment to ease my hard time leading life, i let this solace lingers me, with the existence of Edward Cullen of course. i am so off reality at the moment. well, i always does when i read a book, and will go over and over about it. i dream being in Kabul to witnessed Laila struggles and Mariam hardship while reading Hosseini's : A Thousand Splendid Suns. such a reader i am to be in a subtle phantasmagoria. this time around, Edward Cullen won't be appearing in my dream because i need to balance my life and be on reality that i have someone; who is near and not so in imperfection but yet near to perfection which also mean near to Edward Cullen.

i enjoyed alot being in such world with books, i always does. i just started the first Sagas; Twilight yesterday evening, and had successfully completed it today. which i can happily say one of my greatest achievement during holiday. and now i'm off to the nearest bookstore for New Moon, the second Sagas.

and going to go and watch more Twilight this Thursday, Friday and Saturday, such a bliss to get all my favorite people near me this week. hope the outing with my three roommates in Serting is on.

to them who not yet read or even watched Twilight go and get your butt move for it, or you miss one of the thousand wonder of life. and to them who owned their own Edward Cullen, don't be too mushy that your boyfie might disguise the character, mind you that we are lucky to have our own brand of heroine, so be grateful girls.

if you ask me how did i do this holiday,
i will jubilantly answer; Grand and Smitten.


on top of all that i convey,
still say dia-f saya is my best Edward Cullen (: